Let’s Be Honest Here

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Hi. What have you been doing?

I went to New York. Then I worked, a lot. And worked a little more. Too much. Then I moved. And worked again. And finally went to San Francisco which I just came back from. And now I’ve been procrastinating to write this blogpost for about a month and yesterday did so by baking cookies, not that it’s a bad excuse.

Needless to say, this summer was kind of fucked up but so incredibly cool if I think about the amazing and kind of mind-blowing trips I had which I will write about later. But otherwise, it was way too busy and hectic and stressful and not like summer should be at all. Which brings me to the blog silence.

Let’s be honest, sure, I was really busy but that’s not the only reason why I haven’t written in what, 3 months. I could not write. I have never ever had as bad of a writer’s block as I had this summer. I wrote a draft of 989 words in the beginning of August, read it through and immediately hated it. It was kind of scary that something so important to me creative-wise became so repulsive, something I just could not do regardless of how many (very many) times I opened my laptop. Maybe you have experienced something similar? That when life is throwing you almost too many things to handle and everything becomes extremely stressful (moving is a good example) something that you usually enjoy becomes something that doesn’t quite fit into the picture. And for me that was writing, or photography and cooking for example, which is why I have absolutely no pictures from this summer other than from the trips. Also the reason for the lack of pictures for this post, there’s just Lilo looking out of the window of the old home on the last evening there.

After graduating I have also felt like I am floating, in some kind of airless space in the middle of something but I don’t know what. This loss of direction I guess, I think many are familiar with it. Like you don’t quite know where you are or where you are going so you just kind of float there, clueless.

But the good thing is that floating can be nice too. It’s very liberating.  It can leave you a bit confused at first like it did for me: I did not want to write even though I had so many stories to tell, like the trips. But I didn’t know how to write anymore: ”Could I say this? No it sounds stupid. This isn’t really me or my style. No, that was a lie. But no, I don’t know how to say this either.” I basically started doubting everything I thought and wrote so it was easier to write nothing at all. Graduating and saying goodbye to all of that I used to know left me kind of blunt. I guess I wasn’t the same person anymore so I couldn’t write like I used to and for me writing has always reflected everything else I am going through in life.

I guess when I accepted the new situation it kind of broke the chains I had created myself. And now I feel much better! Extremely terrified with all this new ahead of me, the kind of year I have never had because of being at school. So many exciting things ahead that I can’t wait to experience and share and probably also lots of more cluelessness and self-searching coming this way. It’s all new now and I feel like it’s time for the Blog 1.02.

Love,

Julia xxx

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